Are you in control with your donations?

As Christmas approaches, many of us are busy selecting gifts for our loved ones. As we fill our baskets or consider gifting them money or experiences, the act of selecting and giving gifts becomes one of the highlights of the season. In this process, it is worth thinking: are our Christmas gifts really aimed at spreading happinessor could they be unconsciously linked to hidden expectations and attempts to influence others?

As a therapist, every January I hear my clients’ stories about the Christmas holidays – and I often see people baffled, even upset, at feeling “invisible” because of poorly chosen gifts. Perplexed and sometimes in tears, they ask: “Why would they buy me that?” Do they not know me at all?

Sometimes, without realizing it, the gifts we choose hide deeper emotions, like envy, angereven a desire to control. In this article I want to explain how control can show up in your Christmas gifts so you can be aware when you choose a gift based on your agenda and expectations, rather than giving something with the sole hope of bringing joy to the other person.

1. Gifts with “conditions”

Some gifts come with an unspoken (or sometimes quite explicit) expectation of reciprocity.

Consider the example of a parent offering to pay for their adult children to join them for a family Christmas vacation in a cozy cabin in the mountains. If their hope is simply to bring the family together and create cherished memories, we can call it an act of generosity.

But if they expect and/or demand that everyone spend every meal with them or follow their itinerary exactly, giving becomes less about connection and more about control. The message is “I pay, so you have to do as I say.”

What is expected in return – as we see in this case – need not be financial to feel like control; it may be availability expectations, attentionhelp anything. Of course, it’s natural for a paying parent to hope for some family time together during the trip, but there’s a difference between hope and expectation.

It’s not much different from a parent giving an expensive gadget and in return expecting help with technical issues every time they call. This may seem generous on the surface, but waiting creates pressure and undermines the spirit of generosity.

2. Retain power or influence

Sometimes gifts are given in the hope that we will continue to have power or influence over another. For example, imagine a grandparent who gives their grandchildren extravagant gifts, hoping that their financial generosity will secure them a position of influence over how the family celebrates or manages time during the holidays.

If you unconsciously try to create a feeling of guilt or pressure on the other (the unconscious message being “with so much that I have given you, you duty me”), then your generosity expresses a disguised desire for control.

3. Impose a identify on the other

Even the choice of gift itself can express a desire for control, such as choosing something you might want for the other person, rather than something you think they will like for themselves. These are gifts that have a hidden agenda: you’re trying to impose an identity on them, you’re trying to guide them toward the way you think they should be.

Imagine insisting on getting your T-shirt-wearing partner a collared shirt for Christmas, hoping he would wear more formal clothes, even though he’s shown no interest in the last three shirts you got him purchased. Or buying a fitness tracker for a child who has never shown any interest in sports.

These actions come from a desire to shape others into what they You want them to be rather than celebrating who they are. Even though part of you has good intention (maybe you think she would look great in a collared shirt or that exercising would be good for her), you haven’t thought through what your gift could make him feel. Chances are the impact will be negative and your message will be better conveyed through a conversation at a different time rather than a gift that seems controlling.

How to Think About Your Gift Intentions

So before making choices this year, ask yourself:

• Do I choose this gift because I think the recipient will love it, or because I want to nudge them towards something? I do you think they should like or do?
• Am I imposing my vision of who they should be, rather than celebrating who they are?
• Does this gift come with unspoken expectations about how they should behave or respond?

If you lean toward control, take a break and reframe your approach. The best gifts show that we have listened, understood, and valued each other’s unique preferences and desires.

Receiving controlled Christmas gifts

Of course, the flip side is receiving gifts that seem controlling or mismatched. If this happens, try not to assume that the giver meant harm. Often, gifts of control come from unconscious desires, like a parent who has difficulty letting go or a friend who projects their own interests onto you.

If the trend persists, consider addressing it gently. humor or honesty. For example, if a parent keeps giving you formal clothes when you’re dressed casually, you might say, “I see you’re really hoping to see me in a collared shirt!” Delivered with the right tone, this can open a conversation and allow you to define borders without conflict.

The spirit of true generosity of Christmas

Christmas gifts are more than objects: they are symbols of connection, thoughtfulness and care. When we give unconditionally, we create space for authentic joy and meaningful relationships. This holiday season, focus on gifts that celebrate the recipient for who they are, not who you want them to be.