The doctor revealed why we weren’t pregnant. I feel like a complete idiot.

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Dear how to do it,

I am a 30 year old man and have been married to my wife for a little over four years. We tried to have a baby and spent almost a year without success. We went to a fertility clinic to see what was wrong, and that’s when the problems started.

We’re not from the United States and sex education in our country was pretty basic. What I was told over and over again was, “Always wear a condom or you’ll get horrible diseases.” » I was a good boy who didn’t want any trouble, so I always wore a condom. In probably only a few minutes, but among the longest of my life, the doctor at the clinic explained how condoms actually work and that we had failed to get my wife pregnant because I was wearing a condom while we were wearing it. were doing. The solution was simple: stop wearing condoms during sex. I never felt more stupid than when I left that office.

The problem is that I now suffer from erectile dysfunction when we try to have sex. I can sometimes raise it up for about a minute, but then it goes back down. I don’t know if it’s the feeling without a condom that’s different or if I just tend to think about my huge embarrassment at the doctor’s office, but I don’t perform well when I try to have sex without a condom . I’m sure it’s psychosomatic, because I behave well if I’m wearing a rubber. How to break this mental block?

—Not being good enough

Dear Not Rising,

Since you may have an erection, suspect it to be psychosomatic, and describe the situation as a mental block, I think this is an occasion where erectile dysfunction medications can be helpful. Erectile Dysfunction Medications only works if there is desire– which seems to be the case – and they then affect blood flow in a way that helps maintain an erection. It’s up to you whether you talk to your doctor first or go through one of the many online platforms.

Since this whole situation started because of a lack of sex education, I recommend the free site Scarleteen and the book by Erika Moen and Matthew Nolan Attracted to Sex: The Basics. The more you know, the better off you will be in this situation.

Dear how to do it,

A while ago I developed a lot of ingrown hairs from shaving my pubic hair. Dry brushing helped a little, but then I got impatient and overused the tweezers. Honestly, it’s a bit addictive, even though I know I shouldn’t scratch my skin. Now I have a ton of little scars on top of all the ingrown hairs.

Is there anything other than dry brushing to get rid of ingrown hairs? I’ve tried a chemical exfoliant before, but it didn’t really do much. How should I use a dry brush to get the best results? Is there anything I can use to reduce the redness/irritation? I have a few small bumps with what looks like a hair follicle stuck inside. I’m guessing it’s infected ingrown hairs. Should I see a doctor or is there a way to treat it at home? Ultimately, I’m giving up shaving for good because it’s been a dermatological nightmare. Would other forms of hair removal, like waxing, be safer for me?

—Hedgehog Vibes (prickly and easily embarrassed)

Dear hedgehog,

Tweezers are actually addictive. I went there. You’ve been there. And, as a fellow adult entertainment industry DeGrey Rainby whom I wrote your letter, pointed out: “‘Addictive’ is a good descriptor, as Elizabeth Wurtzel explains in Now, more, more. Her relationship with tweezers deteriorated so much that she ended up scarred and eventually had to remove all the tweezers from her house in order to avoid temptation.

DeGrey and another adult artist—Makeda Joi– suggest waxing as an option. “Waxing takes time for the hair to grow long enough, and waxing it is painful enough to levitate while screaming, but once it’s gone, you’re smooth as an egg,” DeGrey said . And Joi added, as a warning, that “the back is ALWAYS the most painful part.” You’ll still need to exfoliate when regrowth begins, but many people find they have fewer problems after waxing than with shaving.

Electrolysisalthough expensive, may be another option, as is laser hair removal (be sure to research the facility thoroughly if you go this route, especially if you have a darker complexion or very light hair). I will say that halfway through the laser process I had an incredibly strange reaction (the doctor at the clinic had never seen such a thing) that was painful and temporarily hideous. So even the newest technologies can have their drawbacks.

But most of the time you need to see a doctor, especially if you suspect an infection. By DeGrey:

Body shops are amazing at self-repair, but sometimes we need to call in the pros. Scarring, ingrown hairs and redness are signs that your body is trying to tell you something and a dermatologist will be best able to return your skin to a normal state. You say you’re embarrassed… don’t be! Helping people improve their skin is literally their job and WHY they went to medical school in the first place. They will be in a judgment-free zone and see shaving problems all day long.

If you’re doing all this hair removal for other people’s aesthetics, I’ll share that Joi mentioned both a husband and a client who actually preferred a certain amount of hair. I would hate to see you go through all of this for other people’s preferences, but especially for other people who don’t even want to see a smooth pubic area. In DeGrey’s words: “Good luck, Hedgehog, and may your quills diminish soon!” »

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Dear how to do it,

My husband recently proposed the idea of ​​recording us during sex. He said he would like to use our own videos during masturbation and just thinks it would be a fun addition to our sex life. I didn’t react well. I was vehemently against the idea and shot it down quickly and a little harshly. He said he understood and didn’t talk about it again. It’s been a few months. But I kind of regret the way I acted. I wish I had been more open to it back then, and now I admit I even fantasized about the idea. I want to try it, but my initial concerns about privacy (what if it somehow came out!) are still there for me. Is there a safer way to do this? How can I apologize for the way I reacted? I don’t want to stop him from bringing his fantasies to me.

—Recording in progress

Dear recording in progress,

An apology to your husband might sound like this: “I feel really bad about how harshly I stopped you when you brought up your fantasy of making a sex tape. I was withdrawn and harsh, and that’s not how I want to be with you. From there, you can tell if he wants to revisit the issue. However, you’ll need to proceed with caution, as your privacy concerns are valid and the stakes of a sex video leak can be quite extreme.

Maybe you both could aim for a low-risk middle ground. You could fantasize out loud together about making a tape. Or you can use cameras or phones as accessories without recording anything to get that “performance” feeling without worrying about leaks. Depending on how appealing the idea is to both of you, you might also consider using instant cameras and taking physical photos while cropping your faces, which should be much easier to store safely.

Dear how to do it,

My wife was sexually assaulted at the age of 9 by her foster family. After 38 years of marriage, she revealed it to me but I don’t know how to help her. Are there any resources I can share? How can I be there for her?

-Lost

Dear Lost,

I would wait until your wife asks for resources. At this point, you can ask her for details about the type of resources she wants to access. Aside from that, you can be there for her by showing up and being present. Ask her what she needs or wants right now. Listen to her as fully as possible and show her that you still love her like you did before this revelation and that you are there for her to the best of your ability. But let her lead the way as to whether she feels the need to seek active healing and what types of help she would like in this process.

—Jessica

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