Ask Eric: My dying brother was a horrible bully, but now he wants everything to be okay

Dear Eric: My 65 year old brother, Greg, is dying. Lately he’s wanted to talk about how he has no regrets about the “wonderful” life he’s led. Now he is pressing me to tell him that I have no regrets about my life, which made me think about how many I have.

When we were growing up, Greg made me hell. He bullied me mercilessly; He threatened me with sexual abuse. My parents were too busy dealing with his teachers or the police calling Greg out to fight or plan fires.

I have to credit him for turning his life around at the age of 30. He delved into new age religion and made a career helping other troubled adults move beyond their trauma.

In his 50s, Greg set out on a mission to make amends to everyone he had hurt earlier in his life. When he approached me, I thought I would finally get the apology I had been waiting for my whole life. But he claimed to have forgotten the details of one of the horrible things he had done to me.

I know Greg’s No Regret mantra is his way of accepting his impending death. But I can’t tell this mostly unrepentant brother that I have no regrets. Just growing up in the wrong family was bad enough. What do I tell him about all this?

– Trying to reframe my perspective

Dear Prospect: “Know your truth and speak your truth.” So said Relationship Counseling therapist Kent Matthies when I consulted him about this letter.

Timing and your brother’s condition are a factor here. If it is, for example, in and out of awareness, you may not be able to have a conversation that is productive for you. Speaking your truth may look more like talking to a friend, a therapist, or a support group for abuse survivors.

Next, Matthies said to ask for what you need. It can be to your brother, but it can also be to others in your life. Especially for intimate partners – don’t be afraid to talk about where you are and what will help you feel safe.

You were reluctantly enlisted in your brother’s story. So the goal is to find ways to define the story for yourself and reclaim your power.

It may mean forgiving, but that’s not a given. It could also look like daily self-care practices, engaging with nature or music, or being in community, Matthies said. “Yes, it really matters, and there’s an entire planet here too. It can be easy to feel like it’s our entire world. »

When dealing with those who have harmed us but refuse to acknowledge the harm, Matthies advised to “allow yourself to grieve in whatever ways you need to, in a sustained way that is effective for you.” There is no timetable and there is no perfect grief.

Your brother may not be what you need to treat your pain. You don’t need to have no regrets. But acceptance of what the truth is and where you are emotionally is possible. You also don’t have to play a role in your brother’s non-Regret outlook. You don’t have to be what he wants in this story.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him Instagram and sign up for their weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.