9 Ways to Deal with a Narcissistic Family During the Holidays

The holidays may be the most wonderful time of the year, as some songs say, but if you’re near one narcissistic family member, it may seem anything but wonderful.

Narcissists attempt to fill their inner emptiness by monopolizing attention. Additionally, they seek to elevate their status by diminishing others by belittling them, guilt travel and domination.

By “narcissist,” I mean individuals who meet the diagnostic criteria for narcissist. personality disorder (NPD) or who display numerous narcissistic behaviors personality features.

Below are nine helpful strategies for dealing with narcissists at holiday family gatherings.

1. Cultivate healthy boundaries

In their attempt to satisfy their needs, narcissists overstep the healthy interpersonal relationships of others. bordersoften several times a day. Their attacks can be lightning fast.

If your normal circle of friends and acquaintances does not include people who regularly violate your boundaries, you may be blindsided by inappropriate questions, comments, or requests from a narcissistic family member. It can be helpful to have a handful of “escape routes,” such as saying you need to answer a phone call, run an errand, or go to the bathroom.

2. Avoid the bully/victim dynamic

San Francisco psychiatrist Stephen Karpman observed a common dynamic in unhealthy family and group interactions, which he dubbed the Karpman Triangle in 1968. His concept is a useful lens for spotting family dynamics with narcissists.

The triangle has a persecutor, a victim and a savior. The narcissist plays the role of persecutor by blaming, controlling and shame others.

One or more people become victims, feeling helpless, hopeless, helpless, and ashamed in the face of the narcissist’s punitive actions.

Others become rescuers – enablers, in 12-step parlance – who reap rewards from trying to solve the problem, but do so in a way that allows the narcissist to continue to persecute while keeping the victim trapped in this role.

If you see such dynamics emerging in your family’s interactions, take a step back. Recognize that persecution is wrong and unhealthy. If you want to, talk about it. As it is taught in schools about intimidation“When you see something, say something.”

Also recognize that if you start to feel like a victim, free yourself by realizing that although you feel vulnerable, you are not a victim. You have power and resources available to adults. No one has the right to demean or mistreat you.

Finally, if you find yourself drawn to a “savior” role, or see another family member taking on this role, recognize that empathy and kindness are helpful, but saving and fixing others is not. neither sustainable nor empowering.

3. See behind the curtain

Narcissism is a defense against shame and the feeling of being imperfect or humiliated. Like the fiery and frightening image of The Wizard of Oz, narcissists present a larger-than-life semblance that usually reveals what they fear most.

For example, they act with strength to defend against feelings of weakness, become a know-it-all to defend against insecurity, and act with superiority to defend against feelings of less-than. Seeing the truth beneath the narcissistic facade can help you not personalize their aggressive or manipulative behaviors.

4. Be self-aware

Connect with yourself. If you feel helpless, trapped, or in the role of a child, sit with these feelings, communicate them to a trusted person, or write in a journal.

This will help you return to your adult stature, which can open the door to a wider range of healthier coping behaviors. You are no longer a child.

5. Have realistic expectations

Do you expect your narcissistic parent, siblingor will the in-laws behave well this year? This could be an excuse for disappointment.

Narcissists tend to make family celebrations around themselves and may try to ruin everyone’s time if they are not the center of attention, such as TP blogger Suzanne Degges-White writing.

Absent any compelling reason to think otherwise, you should probably expect the same drama from a narcissistic family member that you have experienced in the past. Knowing this, you can plan how to respond to provocations.

6. Keep a sense of humor, even if it seems like gallows humor

Adopting a humorous perspective can isolate you and/or help you overcome family dysfunction.

There are many resources to help you. Given the explosive interest in narcissism, there is an online AIDS cottage industry. Try a web search for “narcissistic family bingo,” “dysfunctional family games” or “greeting cards for a narcissist” and you’ll come across many ideas.

You can use them to prepare for, manage, or recover from a vacation visit, either with a trusted friend or alone.

7. Find ways to disengage or detach when needed

Although narcissists expect others to do command work for their benefit, you have no such obligation. You have the freedom to come and go, to speak or not to speak.

Your appearance on a family vacation is a gift to others. If others treat it like an obligation or like they’re doing you a favor, remember that you never agreed to this.

8. Prioritize enjoyable activities and self-care

Ideally, vacations are rejuvenating, with meaningful experiences and authentic expression of feelings. If you’re not feeling rejuvenated or experiencing authentic or meaningful interactions, something needs to change. Suggest a different activity or setting, change the dialogue, and invite others to join you.

If others are unwilling to join you, seek out such experiences for yourself. Escape for a break, quiet solitude or invigorating physical activity.

9. Focus on who you want to be

You cannot control the behavior or feelings of others. The area in which you have the greatest control is your own behavior. You are not a passive or helpless recipient of a narcissist’s actions. You have far more influence over your experience than a narcissist.

Ask yourself, “Who do I want to be right now?” » or “What are my values ​​here?” With such guidance from yourself, you are likely to choose healthier behaviors and outlooks.