What will the family think if I stand up to my bratty nephew?

Dear Eric: I have a nephew who is disrespectful and condescending to me. He’s been doing it since he was a little boy, but he’s now over 30 years old.

My husband and son tell me that he should always be the smartest person in the room and not take it personally. But I’m tired of it.

Last holiday season, I vowed to respond, gently and politely, but he made his condescending gesture in front of and in front of a dozen family members and I was afraid that even a polite reprimand would seem mean. , so I sat there and took it silently, like I always did, and I’ve felt like a wimp ever since.

The holidays are coming again. How can I defend myself without turning the family against me?

– Bored aunt

Dear aunt: I’m curious why the family would turn against you for speaking out. Are they also tyrants? Or is it your hesitation about how you think you will be perceived?

Sometimes part of bullying involves convincing the person being bullied that standing up for their rights is rude, or socially unacceptable, or even bullying itself. It can come from a single person or be a collective creation.

If your family is really turning on you for saying “please don’t talk to me that way” or something like that, they are actually already against you. So you have nothing to lose by defending your interests.

I know it’s easier said than done, but ask yourself if an environment where people will get angry at you for pushing back against condescension is one that actually supports you. There are ways to build trust, support and better communication.

I find that holiday dinners aren’t usually the best places to get into the swing of things, but it’s never a bad time to set a boundary. Your husband and son can also support you on this.

One final thought: It’s actually okay to be mean about disrespect. It doesn’t seem like anything you would say would rise to that level. But even if a polite reprimand turns into a semi-polite reprimand, you will still be right.

Dear Eric: My husband and I have been married for over 30 years and enjoy each other’s company. Like many couples, after many years, there are certain things we do that annoy each other.

He was always a neat and organized person, and I was always a little messy. My closet is usually messy and I forget to put things back where they belong, so he usually reminds me.

I am autistic (functional) and suffer from ADD and, at this point in my life, menopause. This is not an excuse but a reason why it is difficult for me to remember things.

Lately his attitude when reminding me or helping me has been just plain mean. He talks to me like I’m a child, he scolds me and makes me feel bad.

At first I cried about it and really tried my best to change and remember things, but now when he confronts me I get angry. I tell him I don’t appreciate being treated like a child, which makes him angry. After a few hours, you get over it but a few days later, it happens again.

Is it me? Is it him?

– Tired of the stress of mess

Dear tired: Well, it’s not you; I’ll tell you.

Your husband might wish you were more neat or remembered the things he wants you to do, but right now that’s his problem, not yours. Here’s why: he doesn’t accept you as you are and he doesn’t temper his response enough to communicate clearly.

Being mean doesn’t make anyone change. He might come to you with solutions or at least with the attitude that you are both doing your best.

Even though I’ve been hard on him, let’s take a step back and assume he’s doing his best too. Perhaps there are aspects of your life together that started out as minor annoyances for him and have now turned into resentments.

He may feel helpless in the face of this resentment, but that’s not the case. It’s something he can work on.

He may have gotten it into his head that you do these things on purpose or that you could snap your fingers and change. The sooner he accepts reality, the easier it will be for you to find solutions that meet both of your needs.

I highly recommend the book “Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Shamed and What We Can Do to Help.” Written by a married couple Roxanne Emery and Richard Roseone of whom has ADHD, it offers resources for neurodivergent people and their partners, as well as models for how to have more productive conversations.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

Originally published: December 22, 2024 at 2:01 a.m. PST