Narcissistic elderly parents pose ongoing challenges

Growing up with one narcissistic The parent creates psychological distress and can influence a person’s relationships throughout their life. Unfortunately, even when lessons learned about what not to do in a relationship are put into practice, the relationship between the adult child and the narcissistic older adult can become even more problematic.

Although the aging narcissist may treat his children poorly or complain about the lack of attention by showing them, narcissists can demonstrate kindness and generosity towards others because they behave miserably with their own family in private. Narcissists are capable of behaving prosocially, but research indicates that they only exhibit this behavior when it is likely to be noticed by others (Song et al., 2024). This can be infuriating for the adult child who knows who their parent really is.

As people age, their filters diminish and they are much more likely to let their “dark side” show in their interactions with others. Narcissists don’t prioritize parenthood their children or maintain healthy relationships. Their sense of entitlement leads them to ignore social contracts, responsibility for their behavior, or concern for the feelings of others. It’s no surprise that narcissistic older adults often reserve their most hurtful and demanding behaviors and words for family. While research indicates that social connections and health relationships are essential to the well-being of older adults (Newman & Zainal, 2020), narcissists freely waste social capital and social relationships.

As people age, they often become more uninhibited and less hesitant to engage in increasingly “off-limits” behaviors. This trend is coupled with a growing awareness of the decline in their abilities (sight, hearing, mobility, etc.) which may be too significant to be ignored. Older adult narcissists may continue to try to charm new acquaintances or people who they believe can provide their narcissistic supply, and they may save the venom for their closest family members. It’s a bit like how children can behave very well towards others, and then throw a tantrum when they are around their parents. Unfortunately, while children “grow out” of their tantrums, older narcissists seem to “grow out” of theirs.

How Narcissistic Elderly People Try to “Undo” History

Narcissists are adept at deflecting blame and transforming themselves into either victims of others’ actions or blameless heroes who have done nothing wrong. Some narcissists recognize the importance and value of relationships as they age and realize that they have squandered all the “relationship capital” they ever had. Their manipulative abilities may weaken as their physical health and abilities decline with age. They can even rewrite their past and have fantasies of “happy family memories” of events that never happened. They try to whitewash their past behavior and openly pretend that the wrongs or missteps they committed in the past never happened.

Five Mistakes to Avoid with a Narcissistic Older Parent

1. Don’t assume that giving them what they say they want will satisfy them. Narcissists have no sense of proportion and forget the “good deals” they made with you to get what they wanted.
2. Even when it seems like the path of least resistance, be careful about the efforts you make to “help” them. Once you start giving in to a narcissist’s demands, they will always want more, more – whether it’s time, attention, emotional or instrumental support.
3. If your narcissistic parent is facing a physical decline that merits help from others (doctor visits, grocery shopping, or household chores), don’t go it alone. Do your best to build a core support team who can take turns helping you.
4. If your narcissistic elderly parent complains about the care they are receiving or not receiving from caregivers, “companions,” or family, do not assume that their perspective is the correct one. Narcissists will scapegoat others and pit one person against another just for the fun of it.
5. When you become the narcissist’s main resource, he will do everything he can to keep you tied to him. They will do their best to convince you that you, and only you, can take care of them properly. Narcissists view having their needs met as a great “deserved” honor. As an adult, you owe no debt to your narcissistic parent for raising you. Caring for them remotely or through a paid caregiver may be all you can give, or depending on the circumstances, actually caring for them, and not just them, may be impossible.

Respect must be earned

Being raised by a true narcissist creates a confusing and distressing environment. We are all born ready to love and honor our parents, but narcissists may respond by preying on a child’s emotional needs. Children learn autonomy very early and narcissists cannot be the parent their child needs, and as children grow older, their awareness of the dysfunction of their family relationships becomes clearer. In older adults, narcissistic behaviors may be associated with other disorders, including depression, paranoiaAnd dementia. When these elements coexist, an older person can become particularly difficult to please. Although your parents may not realize the effect their disorders have on others, you may need to remind yourself that it is narcissism, depression, dementia, or other disorders that cause your own distress and do not prioritize the disorders. power to affect your well-being.

Remember that borders are essential to healthy relationships. We hear all the advice that guarding is a responsibility that warrants a good dose of self-care from time to time. The cheapest and most effective way to self-care is actually setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. When these measures are in place, we show care to ourselves and show others how to take care of themselves.

Growing up in a dysfunctional home can be overwhelming, whether the parent suffers from narcissistic disorders. personality disorderaddictions or other forms of abuse at home, remember that you can draw on your strength, endurance and survival skills childhood and transform them into tools for success in adulthood. Everyone must accept the story of their life as it happened in the past. We must reveal and embrace the meaning in the different parts of it – including the irregular parts that we believe can open us wide – and commit to moving forward into the present knowing that we are the product of a imperfectly perfect past tense.