Ask Eric: It's time I started resisting my nephew's condescending comments

Dear Eric: I have a nephew who is disrespectful and condescending to me. He’s been doing it since he was little, but he’s now over 30 years old. My husband and son tell me that he should always be the smartest person in the room and not take it personally. But I’m tired of it.

Last holiday season, I vowed to respond, gently and politely, but he made his condescending gesture in front of and in front of a dozen family members and I was afraid that even a polite reprimand would seem mean. , so I sat there and took it silently, like I always did, and I’ve felt like a wimp ever since. The holidays are coming again. How can I defend myself without turning the family against me?

– Bored aunt

Dear aunt: I’m curious why the family would turn on you for speaking out. Are they also tyrants? Or is it your hesitation about how you think you will be perceived? Sometimes part of bullying involves convincing the person being bullied that the self-representation is rude or socially unacceptable, or even the bullying itself. It can come from a single person or be a collective creation.

If your family is really turning on you for saying “please don’t talk to me that way” or something like that, they are actually already against you.

So you have nothing to lose by defending your interests. I know it’s easier said than done, but ask yourself if an environment that people are going to get angry at You because pushing back against condescension is one that actually supports you. There are ways to build trust, support and better communication. I find that holiday dinners aren’t usually the best places to get into the swing of things, but it’s never a bad time to set a boundary. Your husband and son can also support you on this.

One final thought: It’s okay to be mean about disrespect. It doesn’t seem like anything you would say would rise to that level. But even if a polite reprimand turns into a semi-polite reprimand, you will still be right.

Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.